I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
