i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
