More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
