Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
