Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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