I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
