I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
