OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
