why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
