How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
