sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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