His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
