I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
