Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
