I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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