how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
