Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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