so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
