i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
