I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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