Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
