I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
