She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
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They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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