If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
