Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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