dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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