dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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