I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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