I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
