2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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