Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
