I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.