idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
