got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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