Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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