i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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