I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
