just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
