You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
