I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
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I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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