I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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