god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
