What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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