I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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