Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
