she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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