The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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