i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
