I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
