She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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