somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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