I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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