Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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