ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize