Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
