I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
