Will you blow on my dice?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
