I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
