I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
